


Scraps of Dough

by januarys, PetitAvocat



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Bakery, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-07-12
Updated: 2013-12-11
Packaged: 2017-12-19 05:24:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/879933
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/januarys/pseuds/januarys, https://archiveofourown.org/users/PetitAvocat/pseuds/PetitAvocat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One-shot scraps and snippets from the <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/839304/chapters/1599303">Gunpowder and Cinnamon</a> universe.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. stupid-sexy

**Author's Note:**

> this was written as a giveaway prize for [abbingford](abbingford.tumblr.com) on tumblr!

Ashley Williams has kissed Garrus Vakarian fourteen times.  She knows what he tastes like in the mornings and afternoons – but not late at night.  She can tell the difference between days that he’s had coffee and days that he hasn’t – but she doesn’t yet know what he tastes like with a midnight sip of gin on his tongue.  She knows what his shoulder muscles feel like under her hands after a hard workout – but not relaxed and languid and just-woken-up. 

There are mysteries, still, about Garrus Vakarian, and Ashley does not like them one bit. 

So when she sees Garrus talking to Shepard at the corner table – _their_ corner table; she is pretty sure Kaidan wants to put a “Reserved” sign on it at all times just to make sure it’s free if and when they decide they want to saunter in – with matching smirks on their faces, she knows it’s no good.  And it’s even worse when they both turn to look at her simultaneously. 

She plops the last apple-cranberry pocket into the display cabinet a bit more forcefully than she really needs to, tiny flakes of puff pastry fluttering to the floor, and turns, marching into the back to keep working on the gluten-free almond cake Oriana ordered for her engagement party. 

Kaidan is at a counter back there, flour streaked on his face as he rolls out more dough for their steak pies. 

She stands in the doorway and crosses her arms. 

He continues rolling out the dough, oblivious to his impending doom, only looking up when Ash starts tapping her foot impatiently on the floor. 

“Need something?” 

“Your _boyfriend_ is plotting.” 

She can tell that Kaidan is trying very hard not to smile.  Unfortunately for him, he is largely unsuccessful. 

“And… what, exactly, makes you think that?” 

She takes several steps closer, glaring at him.  “He and _Vakarian_ are sitting out there with those _smirks_ on their faces.  You know the ones.” 

“Oh.  You mean, my boyfriend and _your_ boyfriend are plotting.” 

“Damnit, he is not my boyfriend!” 

“Your… fuck-buddy?” 

Kaidan snort-laughs at the look of horror on her face and oh, that is just the last straw. 

“Just because you and Shepard were feeling each other up on the first date doesn’t mean _everyone_ is that willing.  We haven’t even made it to second base yet!” 

“Oh.  Oh!  Is that what your problem is?  God, Ash, just go out there and tell him you want to get laid – ” 

She gets right up in his face, poking her finger at his nose. 

“That is _not_ my problem – ” 

“I’m just saying, I’ve been a _lot_ more relaxed since Shepard moved in…” 

Ashley shudders.  “This is what we call too much information, boss!” 

A voice from the doorway interrupts.  “Don’t you want to hear about how happy your best friend is, Ash?” 

“Not when it involves you fucking him!”  She flails a little bit.  “Or him fucking you, or _whatever_ – ” 

In unison, they say “We take turns.”  And then they look at each other with those sappy grins, which really should just be outlawed, especially when they’re talking about… _that_ sort of thing. 

“Augh!  I’m going to do some sweeping out front.” 

Kaidan gapes at her.  “You?  Cleaning?  _Voluntarily_?” 

“Anything to get away from you two drooling over each other.” 

Shepard says “Not drooling!” at the same time Kaidan says “Health regs, Ash, what kind of a baker do you think I am,” and she throws her hands up and bustles out into the front of the shop, grabbing the broom on her way out the door. 

She does not get very far.  Garrus Vakarian is leaning against the counter and gives her that _smirk_ , all suaveness and cheekbones and clear blue eyes and she suddenly forgets what she was going to do, and then glares at him ferociously for _making_ her forget.  His smirk gets bigger, and he comes around the counter to stand in front of her. 

“Hey,” he murmurs, hand coming up to cup her cheek.  She huffs at him, but her fingertips are tracing the scarring on his face tenderly.  “You seemed annoyed.” 

“They’re being… _them_.  And you’re being _you_.” 

“Me?” 

“Yes!”  She looks away, crossing her arms and huffing again.  “You and your stupid face, and your stupid cheekbones and your stupid smirk and – ” 

His hands are suddenly on her waist and he crowds her against the wall, and then his _stupid_ lips are on hers and they are stupidly soft and her arms uncross and loop around his neck.  She has to stand on her tiptoes to get a better angle, because even at kiss number fifteen she still feels like she wants to learn so much about him through the gentle crush of his mouth against hers and the quiet sounds he makes when she slides her tongue between his lips. 

Then she realizes she is being pushed against a wall, and _nobody_ puts Ashley in a corner so she reverses their position, fists her hands in the collar of his shirt as she slams him up against the wall and kisses the hell out of him. 

He slides his hands down her hips to her ass and lifts her suddenly, and she wraps her legs around his waist and, okay, maybe Kaidan was a _little_ bit right because she does feel quite a bit better now, listening to Garrus _stupid-sexy_ Vakarian whimpering under her mouth and between her thighs. 

She hears the sound of a throat clearing and breaks away, looking over guiltily to see Kaidan and Shepard leaning out of the doorway with smug expressions on their faces. 

“Sweeping, eh?” 

“Shut up, boss.” 

“Well, maybe she meant getting _swept off her feet_ ,” Shepard chimes in. 

“Shut up, _both_ of you!” 

But Garrus’s arms tighten around her and he kisses her cheek, and she can’t help but smile.


	2. Sfogliatelle (EDI/Joker)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> aka. the one I thought of while eating dolce in Southern Italy and totally wanted to write about these two.

Here’s the thing: Jeff Moreau has trouble sleeping at night.

It’s not as though Vrolix Syndrome is the thing keeping him up at night. Yeah, it does completely _suck_ to live with the knowledge that a simple act such as jacking off in his goddamn bathroom would shatter his pelvis to itty bitty pieces but it’s not the worst thing in the world. It’s not even the pounding techno music phase that his younger sister is going through right now, or that fact that his Galaxy of Fantasy character keeps getting creamed by the latest expansion boss (seriously, the guy is _impossible_ to beat).

No, Joker has trouble sleeping at night because of EDI.

EDI. EDI, EDI, EDI. Joker’s not even sure that EDI is even her real name, and EDI is so far out of his league and _probably_ out of his dimension altogether that Joker isn’t even in orbit anymore. Once upon a time EDI wouldn’t have even been his type, you know? She was all clean and crisp, sharp features and killer curves, well-dressed and straight to the point.

Yeah, EDI was in a completely different universe compared to Joker.

But that all changed when she ordered a goddamn sfogliatella from the bakery that one time, and it all went downhill from there.

Why? Oh, because Joker fucking _loves_ sfogliatelle. Fucking hell.

 

*

“I still don’t understand why you won’t talk to her,” Ashley commented as she loaded the Italian treats onto a tray, handling the delicate pastries with extreme caution. “She _is_ human after all.”

Kaidan nodded in agreement. “We’d tell you if she was a robot. Scout’s honour.”

Joker adjusted his trucker cap in an attempt to hide his eye-roll, because Kaidan Alenko was a goddamn sap who told really bad jokes. How Ashley had managed to put up with it on a daily basis was beyond him.

“Boss, your jokes are bad and you should feel bad for telling them.” Ah, that’s how.

Kaidan frowned at her, the all-too-familiar Eyebrow Frown of Doom #67: _You’re a bitch but I’ll never say that out loud_ , and snatched the empty tray from her outstretched hands before walking back into the kitchen in a huff. Ashley flipped the bird at his retreating back before turning back to Joker with a friendly smile.

“EDI comes by all the time, you know.” Ashley said, leaning against the counter. “She doesn’t say much though. When she _does_...”

“That doesn’t sound promising,” Joker said, tapping the edge of his sfogliatella against his table. He received a strange kind of pleasure from watching the crisp pastry scatter across the tabletop.

“No, no,” she said reassuringly, shaking her head. “It’s not like she says anything _bad_ per se, just... interesting.”

“Interesting?” Joker raised an eyebrow.

Ashley nodded. “It’s like she has one foot out of reality. Or one foot inside of imagination. Or maybe she’s just a little too eccentric for my tastes.”

Joker took a bite of his sfogliatella, his taste buds shrieking with the combination of icing sugar, flaky pastry, and that smooth, sweet almond curd made by Kaidan’s expert hands. God, the things he would do to get talent like _that_...

“I wouldn’t say that EDI is eccentric,” Joker remarked. “Probably unconventional, but not _eccentric_.”

“Abnormal?” Ashley suggested.

Joker looked thoughtful for a moment. “I prefer peculiar.”

“Off-centre?”

The door to the bakery opened, the soft bell chiming throughout the storefront. Ashley straightened up slightly, an animated expression crossing her face, but Joker didn’t take any notice.

“Extraordinary,” Joker said with finality, tapping his hand against the table for good measure. “EDI is extraordinary.”

Then of _course_ with Joker’s natural luck and the fact that the universe has something against his very existence, it happened to be EDI walking into the bakery at that very moment in time. Still, Joker had no knowledge of this fact as he chewed away at his pastry until Ashley looked as though she was going to burst into laughter at the whole situation.

And of _course_ Joker had no clue of the entire situation because he was just a simple man, eating a fucking delicious Italian dolce in a tiny little bakery in fucking _Vancouver_ , and his manly beard was littered with both icing sugar and flecks of golden pastry. There was probably some of that smooth, sweet almond curd that Joker would trade his balls for to keep a lifetime supply in his refrigerator also because _fuck_ \--

“Jeff, do you believe that I’m... extraordinary?” EDI enquired (because there was no other word for it) softly. Joker spun around in his seat, swallowing his mouthful of pastry in one painful gulp before staring at the woman with wide eyes.

Maybe he could drown himself in the almond curd instead. It’d be a delicious way to go, anyway.

And _damn_ he would be really fucking happy to go if EDI was the last thing he would ever see. How the _hell_ did she manage to have not one hair out of place with the gusty Vancouver wind? Was it even possible for her curves to be highlighted beneath her bulky coat? Seriously, blank expressions shouldn’t even be considered attractive because that’s just what they were: blank.

EDI, though? EDI wore it to almost-perfection. (Let’s face it: nothing is perfect. Joker came to that conclusion a long time ago.)

Ashley snorted in the background, settling in for duration. “This is gonna be _great_.”

Joker wanted to turn back around and say _you’re a bitch Ashley, Kaidan’s eyebrows were totally right_ but then EDI was sitting opposite him, hands folded neatly on the table. Joker was suddenly all-too aware of his dishevelled appearance, the crutches balanced against the wall, and the leftover almond curd dripping onto the table. Fan-fucking-tastic.

“Uh, well, I wouldn’t say _extraordinary_ \--”

“Why is that, Jeff?” EDI swiftly interjected, her interruption as though she had started the original conversation. “There are relating synonyms, but why are you against extraordinary?”

Joker swallowed. Damn, he was going to have trouble digging himself out of this hole. “Look, I just--”

“Remarkable, sensational,” EDI listed, not even looking at Jeff anymore. “Astounding, exceptional, unbelieveable...”

Joker allowed her to prattle on for a few minutes because seriously, _damn_. This woman continued to blow him out of the water and catch him before he hit the ground. Oh yeah, he had fallen. He had fallen _hard_. Even then, he was willing to take rejection: the scene unfolding before his eyes was...

“Extraordinary,” Joker mumbled softly, and EDI stopped. Her eyes had widened slightly but her face remained passive. “You’re really... yeah, EDI. You’re right. Extraordinary is what you are.”

Ashley had probably shrieked from behind them, which _probably_ caused Kaidan to race back into the bakery in fear that his store-front was in shambles, which led to Ashley _probably_ pointing out Joker and EDI with another shriek, which _probably_ would have made Kaidan secretly hope for the same thing to happen to him one day as well.

Joker, however, simply brushed the excess crumbs and sugar from both his beard and shirt, adjusted the cap on his head slightly, and held out his hand. If he was trembling with nerves, he was probably failing to hide it.

EDI watched his hand for a moment, as though it was an unable animal ready to claim its prey. “You really believe that I’m extraordinary, Jeff?”

A beat passed, before Joker smiled. “Always.”

EDI took his hand and squeezed it gently.

 

*

Five sfogliatelle and a few hours later, Joker remembered something.

“Hey, how did you know that my name is Jeff?” 

EDI blinked before a tiny smile curled on her lips. “I am extraordinary, after all.”

(Oh yeah, Joker will have trouble sleeping tonight and it _won’t_ be because of Galaxy of Fantasy, you bet your _ass_ that it won’t.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yo, francine here. for those still keen, i have a few ideas floating around that i want to write down before i drop bakery au forever. expect a nigella lawson bonding sesh between the ot4 soon. maybe. if i cbf. cheers for kudos and support, always. i still read g&c from time to time and it fills me with almond curd-y goodness. hopefully this little drabble wasn't too fluffy for ya'll. ciao xx
> 
> (pronounced: sFOg-lia-tell-e/a, i think. THEY'RE DELISH.)

**Author's Note:**

> okay, so basically, francine and i couldn't get enough of the bakery AU. so we'll be using this as a place to upload more little stories, snapshots into the lives of our kaidan and shepard, ashley and garrus, and everyone else in this universe! as always, we hope you enjoy, and thank you so much for reading!  
> much love,  
> jo


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